these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
