i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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