I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
