So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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