So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
It's Friday. Sex?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
