Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
