I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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