apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
