I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
