yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Randomize
