I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
this just has baby written all over it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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