I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
