why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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