she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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