can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
