Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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