Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
