idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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