Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
