my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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