She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
