I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
