I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
