Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
