i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
