Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize