Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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