so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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