i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
