She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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