How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
