I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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