I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
