This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
