you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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