96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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