Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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