how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
