apparently the secret to your success is patron
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
