We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
