It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
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So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
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It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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