I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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