I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you had me at cake vodka
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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