Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
