The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
