tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
