yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
