My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
