How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
