well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
honey bunches of taint.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
