watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
