i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
