even my farts smell like vagina
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
