I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
