My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
