And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
