Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
