Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
