you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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