I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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